In today’s episode Melissa and Marie talk about Kim and Kanye. We talk about the similarities between Mark & Marie and Kim & Kanye, what to do when your husband’s opinions make you cringe, and how much of a united front is healthy and how much is enabling bad behavior. ALSO, hear Marie fangirl HARD over Kim.
In today’s episode Melissa shares a terrifying experience walking her dog, Tater, and we dive in to find the silver lining. How is this marriage related? We don’t really know, but finding the silver lining in crappy life events is a necessary tool in the tool box for a successful marriage so we help Melissa do that and then end the episode with a wonderful Silver Lining Finding Hack!
Mark and I recently decided to change churches. This was a hard decision because the church we left has been amazing in a million different ways ESPECIALLY with our children. Oh my goodness did those people love our babies. But we needed to trust God, make some changes, walk in faith, etc.
So we start going to this new church, and since it was Mark that felt led to go to this new church I was under the impression he would be responsible for gathering the troops on Sunday morning. Well, the first Sunday we decide to go to church he says never mind. We’ll just stay home and watch it on tv.
I wasn’t particularly disappointed with this decision (mama loves any reason to not get kids dressed before 9 A.M.), but I was a little annoyed. We had a Sunday morning routine that included church and enough ‘off days’ and we’d be back where we started with the tantrums and resistance.
So here we were. Mark had made a decision about where we were going on Sundays and seemed to be backing out. I was annoyed that we might fall out of a routine we’d worked really hard to build. During our back and forth Mark commented that I wasn’t helping him with this change.
Um. You said we weren’t going today. I was all ready to go, but if you leader of
the free world our home weren’t going I was certainly wasn’t going to exert the energy required to wrangle these hellions.
We argued for a minute about whose fault it was that we weren’t in church when all of a sudden something clicked for me. Mark wasn’t saying missing church was my fault, he was saying he needed me to be the cheerleader during this transition to a new church.
I am naturally optimistic. I can’t even help it. And we were doing something different, strange, and new that even though Mark initiated this change didn’t mean he wasn’t scared or hesitant. And he needed me to bring my Care Bear power to the table. I had to bring my special skills out to play. He needed me.
Much like I need him when my kid acts crazy. I’m the nice mom that says yes 99% of the time because I know that I can call on Mark to bring the law. He is amazing at bringing order to our home. I depend on him for that. And right now, during this season of building a new Sunday morning routine, he needs to depend on me to bring a smile and some encouragement that his family is walking with him. I’m excited to play that role.
Asking for help is hard. That’s why we decided to dig deeper into this topic on today’s podcast. We talk about whether or not we like to give help, why we both hate asking for help, and why it seems only women have this issue (I think we can all agree that our men have no issue asking us to do things for them.)
So as we try and unpack the potential underlying reasons for why asking for help can be so difficult, we also wanted to give some advice on how to start communicating our need for support in the relationship and in the household.
And ladies, don’t be afraid to get picky.
Melissa is flying solo today and sharing some things she has learned about marriage + money! A nice quick listen to get your focus right when it comes to your joint wallet!
That’s one of the biggest lies we tell ourselves and our spouses. And a lie is a lie, no matter how small.
And big lies, like cheating or hiding debt, aren’t the only way to destroy trust in a relationship. A ‘little’ lie about being fine when you aren’t may take longer, but it is just as devastating to a relationship over time.
I took time to think about why I said I was fine when I wasn’t. I lied because it felt safer. I lied because I didn’t always believe Mark would care that I was hurting or mad.
I don’t tell Mark I’m fine when I’m not anymore. I tell him I’m frustrated or annoyed or disappointed or really sad. He doesn’t always like to hear those things, but he appreciates being told the truth upfront instead of getting hit with it out of nowhere a couple of hours later.
Figure out why you hide behind ‘fine’ and then commit to being honest and taking care of the trust that glues you together.
One night my son asked me if we could go get a milkshake. We get milkshakes often on weekends, but rarely, if ever, on a random Wednesday night. So, I said no and promised we’d go this weekend. Also, we had just split a cupcake so milkshakes probably weren’t the best idea.
He got really mad. This milkshake was clearly a big deal. A big emotional deal. We did the things that we normally do when things get emotional and then when he was mostly calm I looked at his face. He looked so… sad. And I wondered if this milkshake really had anything to do with sweets.
“Sweetie, did you want to get a milkshake so that we could spend time together? Did you want to go on a date?”
His eyes lit up. I understood.
He isn’t the most verbal little boy. He has big emotions and not all the words to explain what he wants or needs, so (I think) he develops code words. Words that he attaches to big and real needs.
Milkshake, the thing we go and get just me and him on Saturday nights, was his code word. His way of asking for a little alone time with me.
So we went to Sonic and he sat on my lap and pressed the button to order and flirted with carhops and took maybe two sips of a $3 milkshake. When we got home he jumped out of the car and said, “Thank you, Mommy, for the date.”
I swear this applies to your marriage.
There was the obvious answer to my kid’s meltdown. He’s a spoiled brat who needs to learn how to do deal with ‘no.’ And I agree! I want him to learn that we don’t get to eat sweets whenever the mood strikes. But that wasn’t what he was REALLY asking for. He was asking for time and connection with me, and I’m going to say yes to that as many times as I possibly can.
We can look at our spouse’s behavior and see the ‘obvious.’ He wants sex because he’s horny. She wants help with the dishes because she’s a nag.
But would it hurt to dig a little deeper to find out what’s underneath the ‘code word’? What is he really asking for when he says he needs sex? What is she really asking for when she says she needs help around the house? (Even better what are YOU really asking for when you ask for your code word?)
And do you really want to say no to sex if it really means affirming his connection with you or his identity as a man? Do you really want to ignore her request for more help around the house if it means telling her that she isn’t alone and that she can rely on you as a partner?
Before your next fight, dig as far and as deep as you possibly can to find out what you’re REALLY saying yes or no to.