Episode # 030 – Can I Get Some Help Around Here?

Asking for help is hard. That’s why we decided to dig deeper into this topic on today’s podcast. We talk about whether or not we like to give help, why we both hate asking for help, and why it seems only women have this issue (I think we can all agree that our men have no issue asking us to do things for them.)

So as we try and unpack the potential underlying reasons for why asking for help can be so difficult, we also wanted to give some advice on how to start communicating our need for support in the relationship and in the household.

And ladies, don’t be afraid to get picky.

Episode # 021 – Money Tips with Melissa

Melissa is flying solo today and sharing some things she has learned about marriage + money! A nice quick listen to get your focus right when it comes to your joint wallet!

I’m Fine

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That’s one of the biggest lies we tell ourselves and our spouses. And a lie is a lie, no matter how small.

And big lies, like cheating or hiding debt, aren’t the only way to destroy trust in a relationship. A ‘little’ lie about being fine when you aren’t may take longer, but it is just as devastating to a relationship over time.

I took time to think about why I said I was fine when I wasn’t. I lied because it felt safer. I lied because I didn’t always believe Mark would care that I was hurting or mad.

I don’t tell Mark I’m fine when I’m not anymore. I tell him I’m frustrated or annoyed or disappointed or really sad. He doesn’t always like to hear those things, but he appreciates being told the truth upfront instead of getting hit with it out of nowhere a couple of hours later.

Figure out why you hide behind ‘fine’ and then commit to being honest and taking care of the trust that glues you together.

Was That Code For Something?

One night my son asked me if we could go get a milkshake. We get milkshakes often on weekends, but rarely, if ever, on a random Wednesday night. So, I said no and promised we’d go this weekend. Also, we had just split a cupcake so milkshakes probably weren’t the best idea.

He got really mad. This milkshake was clearly a big deal. A big emotional deal. We did the things that we normally do when things get emotional and then when he was mostly calm I looked at his face. He looked so… sad. And I wondered if this milkshake really had anything to do with sweets.

“Sweetie, did you want to get a milkshake so that we could spend time together? Did you want to go on a date?”

His eyes lit up. I understood.

He isn’t the most verbal little boy. He has big emotions and not all the words to explain what he wants or needs, so (I think) he develops code words. Words that he attaches to big and real needs.

Milkshake, the thing we go and get just me and him on Saturday nights, was his code word. His way of asking for a little alone time with me.

So we went to Sonic and he sat on my lap and pressed the button to order and flirted with carhops and took maybe two sips of a $3 milkshake. When we got home he jumped out of the car and said, “Thank you, Mommy, for the date.”

I swear this applies to your marriage.

There was the obvious answer to my kid’s meltdown. He’s a spoiled brat who needs to learn how to do deal with ‘no.’ And I agree! I want him to learn that we don’t get to eat sweets whenever the mood strikes. But that wasn’t what he was REALLY asking for. He was asking for time and connection with me, and I’m going to say yes to that as many times as I possibly can.

We can look at our spouse’s behavior and see the ‘obvious.’ He wants sex because he’s horny. She wants help with the dishes because she’s a nag.

But would it hurt to dig a little deeper to find out what’s underneath the ‘code word’? What is he really asking for when he says he needs sex? What is she really asking for when she says she needs help around the house? (Even better what are YOU really asking for when you ask for your code word?)

And do you really want to say no to sex if it really means affirming his connection with you or his identity as a man? Do you really want to ignore her request for more help around the house if it means telling her that she isn’t alone and that she can rely on you as a partner?

Before your next fight, dig as far and as deep as you possibly can to find out what you’re REALLY saying yes or no to.

Healthy Pooping is like Healthy Fighting

Yeah, you heard me right. And no, I’m not kidding.

I think there are some similarities between healthy poop and healthy fights:

It’s intact. The ‘mushier’ the poop the less healthy it is. A healthy fight is also intact. It’s about one topic. A ‘mushy’ fight is when you start off fighting about chores and end up fighting about that time 3 years ago when she forgot to pick up your dry cleaning. Keep your fights focused on what topic at a time.

It’s regular. Regular bowel movements are a great sign things are going well. Same thing with fights. It’s not a great idea to let things build up. It doesn’t make fighting or pooping easier. Are you regularly letting each other know what you’re thinking and how you’re feeling? Or are you opting to hold it just a little bit longer? Much like pooping, fighting is good for you.

It doesn’t hurt. This is really important. Pooping shouldn’t hurt. Fighting shouldn’t hurt. But since most of us don’t get to see great examples of healthy fighting many of us are terrified that it won’t feel good. We hide from it because we can’t imagine being in conflict with a person you love to ultimately end in feeling closer. We imagine the only thing that comes from fighting is hurt, so we avoid it. This doesn’t mean painless fighting is natural, I think it’s a learned skill. But, like pooping, if it hurts it’s not healthy.

Episode #006 – Getting on the Same Page (special guest!!!)

In this episode Melissa and her new husband, Shawn, talk about getting on the same page! Like many of us already know, being on the same page is harder than it sounds, and it’s definitely something that couples don’t even realize is an issue. Because of this, Melissa and Shawn share about how they recently regrouped and made sure their goals for their life together were lined up. And (surprise, surprise) initially, they weren’t. 

Just like football, soccer, or doubles-tennis, marriage is a team-sport. And much like any team sport, it comes with a game-plan and with an unimaginable support system. And in order for the team to do well, they must communicate the plan they want to take together.

Melissa and Shawn used many different tools to shape their “page” and to make sure that they were both committed to it. One of them was to answer these questions together and with an open mind.

 

Episode #002 – Gifts & Disappointment

We hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season! We also hope you got exactly what you wanted from your person. In this episode we talked about engagements as Christmas gifts (yay or nay?), the worst gift we ever received from our men, and how to handle the potential disappointment on Christmas morning (or Mother’s Day… grr!) Enjoy!